Part of the Process

This time as a result of packing all of my stuff for hols tomorrow. Bit of a disaster though in that the weather where I am going appears to be el crappo. Raining and wet. I think we may have to bin and go to Italy if it's going to be wet the whole week - what a waste of holiday otherwise.

I was thinking yesterday about my relationship with my sister. It sounds strange even to write it. We have never really gotten along, since we were young. I remember my grandmother saying to me that when we were older, we'd be best friends. Nah uh. I feel bad about it in a way. I have dreams where I am awful to her, hitting her or physically fighting with her. I remember when I was about 15 / 16 we used to actually physically fight sometimes. She would just make me so angry that I just wanted to hurt her. And I have dreams where I feel like that. It's awful, feeling that sort of anger and hate. And I feel guilty for it. I feel guilty for making her feel small and inferior, and making everything in her life seem less important. For making her feel like a failure. I didn't do this intentionally, but sometimes I think that's how she must have felt. She must have hated me. But wow she was annoying sometimes. And now, ten years on, I still cannot cope with being in a room where she feels she must dominate the conversation with her constant waffling.

Still, who am I to judge. What am I supposed to do? I am not looking to try and make myself feel better, but I don't know if saying sorry for this to her would make her feel better? Or whether she even thinks about it or remembers it the same way I do? She likes to play herself as a martyr and its unbearable at the best of times. It's difficult. Obviously I love her and would do anything to protect her but sometimes she makes it so hard. She is so domineering and unreasonable sometimes. And she cannot listen to anybody else's point of view. It's almost as if you're not even entitled to an opinion with her. Perhaps I am just looking for excuses. In a way it's quite sad, there is no sisterly affection between us really, and to be honest most of the time I just feel uncomfortable around her. I don't know whether that's related to some of what I've just described above or whether it's because she just winds me up so much. Why does she wind me up so much?

I wonder what a psychotherapist / psychiatrist (what's the difference anyway?) would say? GUILT. That I feel guilty for the way I treated her, and for the way that our lives have turned out. For the way that I was always the smart one, and the pretty one. Or perhaps that's just my ego speaking. She is smart. And she is pretty. Maybe the reason I feel uncomfortable around her is because everytime I am near her I feel guilty. Maybe that's right. Who knows. Maybe I should see someone.

Or maybe its all a load of guff.

Thought of the day: I worry that I have a strange and heartless relationship with my sister

This week at work has been pretty hardcore. Monday was there until about 22:30, bit later from Tuesday, and then all hell broke loose from Wednesday. I got into bed at 5am on Friday morning, and was back in the office by 11am. Not fun. Quite stressful. DD winding me up. Still the adrenalin kicked in towards the end which got me over the line I think.

BF still on the continent, nearly at the end of his trial by excercise. Going to join him on Monday - hoping the weather is going to sort itself out by then. Spoke to BF earlier this evening and he sounded a bit stroppy. Perhaps he was mad at me as earlier in the week every time he called me I was at work mid crisis. Just been having a long talk with LB tonight about marriage and getting engaged. She said that she thought it would not be very long until BF popped the question - not sure what makes her think that. I am certainly not half as sure. Still spend a lot of my time over-analysing everything and wondering what is going to happen, when, if. I am a bit of a headcase in that respect. But I just don't want anything to go wrong. I am worried that he won't want me forever the way that I want him, and that I will lose him. I don't really have anything to base this on at all, but I can't help it. And I'm not a crazy insecure sort of person. Well, on the outside anyway. Obviously the wheels came off on the inside the moment I fell in love with him.

iPod remote is kerfucked. Though happily they are sending me a new one to replace it. So by the time I return I should hopefully be good to go from the other side of the room, as opposed to the 24 inches it will currently allow. I have spent all day today doing nothing but faffing on my lovely new iMac and watching telly. And how glorious it has been. I have even managed to figure out how to fix the perpetual download problem with MSN. Turns out (as I suspected) that I was being a bit of a retard and not saving the newer version into my Applications folder. Honestly, learning OS X from scratch is quite tricky, and I considered myself a bit of a Windows boffin (almost certainly erroneously).

Was checking out Petite Anglaise earlier and, honestly, was thinking the writing of late was not that hot (says she, writing this garbage which nobody reads) - not really very interesting, funny or even well written. Dooce is much more amusing. Think the words 'book deal' get a little overused when blogs are concerned. Bloggers should stick to writing in the style which got them noticed in the first place.

Thought of the day: Am I his 'one'?

Oh, hold on, you don't have to - I HATE Mondays because they're freakin' miserable. Day of doom spent between the Deal That Just Won't Die (well it got its come-uppance today when I killed it once and for all) and the Most Unreasonable Client in The World. GARGH.

I have become marginally obsessed with Johnny Cash. It started when I watched Walk The Line on the 'plane on the way back from holiday, and progressed a little when I then bought the album. Wowzers, Joachim Phoenix (sp??) is a fitty. Not as fit as the BF though. Obviously. And it has continued now with my constant listening to the albums. The lyrics are just amazing. Listen to me. Favourite songs? Hmmm.. let's think.. Ring Of Fire? Jackson? One Piece at a Time? I would play one of those right now on iTunes but I fear my housemate is trying to sleep and the walls are pretty thin.

It has been a strange day today. It rained heavens hard last night and the air was cool when I walked to the station this morning. In the office the view was gloomy and grey and all day I had a cold, shivery sort of feel. How I used to feel after no sleep, a hangover, a morning outing and a 10am lecture at college. Though if we're honest the occurrence of the first three items in that list would almost without exception preclude the happening of the fourth. They were almost mutually exclusive in fact. Anyway, it was nice to think today that while I sat in my office, high in the sky looking down on the clouds, that my parents et al were enjoying their first day of holidays in Greece.

I miss them all.

Oooh have started a book called God's Callgirl which is actually only medium. Why am I always reading books about sexual abuse? Let's not even go there. Am also reading The Unconsoled, another Ishiguro book. I have to say, it's very weird so far. To complete the trio I have On Beauty by Zadie Smith on the go. Also not taken with it really. Despite all the banging on about orange / pink / yellow prizes for fiction / best front cover / favourite of Metro readers. Listen to me getting all stroppy about something of which I know almost nuthin. Wha'evah.

Time to clamber into my bed, sans BF.

Thought of the Day: There really aren't enough hours in the day.

When I was little my parents used to take us to the cinema sometimes. It was a treat, and we were always really excited. I remember once, when I was pretty young, maybe about ten (or perhaps younger) - in fact I have just checked and at the time I had just turned nine years old - my mother let us have the day off school for no apparent reason. This was completely unheard of in our house. In fact, I cannot remember it ever happening again. When we asked her where we were going, my mother told my sister and I that she was taking us to meet a man. I was horrified - at nine years old I thought my mother was having an affair (though I am not sure if I knew what an 'affair' was - in fact, come to think of it, what a typically polite and English word to assign to something so clandestine as infidelity - but I knew that my mother seeing another man without my father's knowledge was not a good thing). I can remember asking her 'Who is it?' and 'Does dad know?' and I think at one point I just came out and asked her whether she was having an affair. She said no, of course not, but she wouldn't tell us who it was we were going to see. I asked her what he looked like, and she said 'He has big hands'. I can remember all sorts of thoughts frantically going through my mind as we walked through the shopping mall. Then we got to the cinema - my mother had let us have the day off school to take us to see The Little Mermaid. The man with big hands we were going to see was Sebastian the crab.

When I was on the Victoria line yesterday morning, a young family got on. Mummy, daddy, little girl (about eight) and little boy (about five). The father let his wife (I assume) and their son take up the two spare seats, and the little girl sat on her mother's lap. The father then stood in front of them, like a guard. The little boy looked a lot like his father. The little girl was very pretty, and her mother had on a pair of tan Chloe boots.

But I will endeavour to blog some more.

Am currently at work and not loving it at all. The good news is that a good friend of mine has just found out this afternoon that she has got the dream job she interviewed for last week which is nice for her. Hopefully will mean I see her a bit more too.

Better news is that I am soon going to be the proud owner of an iMac G5 - how exciting!! Am just waiting for them to get more stock of the 20" wireless version at the Regent Street store. Watch this space - I'll be blogging the whole time soon.