Part of the Process

Another late one

2006-08-21T01:40:00.000+01:00

This time as a result of packing all of my stuff for hols tomorrow. Bit of a disaster though in that the weather where I am going appears to be el crappo. Raining and wet. I think we may have to bin and go to Italy if it's going to be wet the whole week - what a waste of holiday otherwise.

I was thinking yesterday about my relationship with my sister. It sounds strange even to write it. We have never really gotten along, since we were young. I remember my grandmother saying to me that when we were older, we'd be best friends. Nah uh. I feel bad about it in a way. I have dreams where I am awful to her, hitting her or physically fighting with her. I remember when I was about 15 / 16 we used to actually physically fight sometimes. She would just make me so angry that I just wanted to hurt her. And I have dreams where I feel like that. It's awful, feeling that sort of anger and hate. And I feel guilty for it. I feel guilty for making her feel small and inferior, and making everything in her life seem less important. For making her feel like a failure. I didn't do this intentionally, but sometimes I think that's how she must have felt. She must have hated me. But wow she was annoying sometimes. And now, ten years on, I still cannot cope with being in a room where she feels she must dominate the conversation with her constant waffling.

Still, who am I to judge. What am I supposed to do? I am not looking to try and make myself feel better, but I don't know if saying sorry for this to her would make her feel better? Or whether she even thinks about it or remembers it the same way I do? She likes to play herself as a martyr and its unbearable at the best of times. It's difficult. Obviously I love her and would do anything to protect her but sometimes she makes it so hard. She is so domineering and unreasonable sometimes. And she cannot listen to anybody else's point of view. It's almost as if you're not even entitled to an opinion with her. Perhaps I am just looking for excuses. In a way it's quite sad, there is no sisterly affection between us really, and to be honest most of the time I just feel uncomfortable around her. I don't know whether that's related to some of what I've just described above or whether it's because she just winds me up so much. Why does she wind me up so much?

I wonder what a psychotherapist / psychiatrist (what's the difference anyway?) would say? GUILT. That I feel guilty for the way I treated her, and for the way that our lives have turned out. For the way that I was always the smart one, and the pretty one. Or perhaps that's just my ego speaking. She is smart. And she is pretty. Maybe the reason I feel uncomfortable around her is because everytime I am near her I feel guilty. Maybe that's right. Who knows. Maybe I should see someone.

Or maybe its all a load of guff.

Thought of the day: I worry that I have a strange and heartless relationship with my sister

What a week

2006-08-20T00:37:00.000+01:00

This week at work has been pretty hardcore. Monday was there until about 22:30, bit later from Tuesday, and then all hell broke loose from Wednesday. I got into bed at 5am on Friday morning, and was back in the office by 11am. Not fun. Quite stressful. DD winding me up. Still the adrenalin kicked in towards the end which got me over the line I think.

BF still on the continent, nearly at the end of his trial by excercise. Going to join him on Monday - hoping the weather is going to sort itself out by then. Spoke to BF earlier this evening and he sounded a bit stroppy. Perhaps he was mad at me as earlier in the week every time he called me I was at work mid crisis. Just been having a long talk with LB tonight about marriage and getting engaged. She said that she thought it would not be very long until BF popped the question - not sure what makes her think that. I am certainly not half as sure. Still spend a lot of my time over-analysing everything and wondering what is going to happen, when, if. I am a bit of a headcase in that respect. But I just don't want anything to go wrong. I am worried that he won't want me forever the way that I want him, and that I will lose him. I don't really have anything to base this on at all, but I can't help it. And I'm not a crazy insecure sort of person. Well, on the outside anyway. Obviously the wheels came off on the inside the moment I fell in love with him.

iPod remote is kerfucked. Though happily they are sending me a new one to replace it. So by the time I return I should hopefully be good to go from the other side of the room, as opposed to the 24 inches it will currently allow. I have spent all day today doing nothing but faffing on my lovely new iMac and watching telly. And how glorious it has been. I have even managed to figure out how to fix the perpetual download problem with MSN. Turns out (as I suspected) that I was being a bit of a retard and not saving the newer version into my Applications folder. Honestly, learning OS X from scratch is quite tricky, and I considered myself a bit of a Windows boffin (almost certainly erroneously).

Was checking out Petite Anglaise earlier and, honestly, was thinking the writing of late was not that hot (says she, writing this garbage which nobody reads) - not really very interesting, funny or even well written. Dooce is much more amusing. Think the words 'book deal' get a little overused when blogs are concerned. Bloggers should stick to writing in the style which got them noticed in the first place.

Thought of the day: Am I his 'one'?

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

2006-08-14T23:51:00.000+01:00

Oh, hold on, you don't have to - I HATE Mondays because they're freakin' miserable. Day of doom spent between the Deal That Just Won't Die (well it got its come-uppance today when I killed it once and for all) and the Most Unreasonable Client in The World. GARGH.

I have become marginally obsessed with Johnny Cash. It started when I watched Walk The Line on the 'plane on the way back from holiday, and progressed a little when I then bought the album. Wowzers, Joachim Phoenix (sp??) is a fitty. Not as fit as the BF though. Obviously. And it has continued now with my constant listening to the albums. The lyrics are just amazing. Listen to me. Favourite songs? Hmmm.. let's think.. Ring Of Fire? Jackson? One Piece at a Time? I would play one of those right now on iTunes but I fear my housemate is trying to sleep and the walls are pretty thin.

It has been a strange day today. It rained heavens hard last night and the air was cool when I walked to the station this morning. In the office the view was gloomy and grey and all day I had a cold, shivery sort of feel. How I used to feel after no sleep, a hangover, a morning outing and a 10am lecture at college. Though if we're honest the occurrence of the first three items in that list would almost without exception preclude the happening of the fourth. They were almost mutually exclusive in fact. Anyway, it was nice to think today that while I sat in my office, high in the sky looking down on the clouds, that my parents et al were enjoying their first day of holidays in Greece.

I miss them all.

Oooh have started a book called God's Callgirl which is actually only medium. Why am I always reading books about sexual abuse? Let's not even go there. Am also reading The Unconsoled, another Ishiguro book. I have to say, it's very weird so far. To complete the trio I have On Beauty by Zadie Smith on the go. Also not taken with it really. Despite all the banging on about orange / pink / yellow prizes for fiction / best front cover / favourite of Metro readers. Listen to me getting all stroppy about something of which I know almost nuthin. Wha'evah.

Time to clamber into my bed, sans BF.

Thought of the Day: There really aren't enough hours in the day.

I remember

2006-08-13T21:51:00.000+01:00

When I was little my parents used to take us to the cinema sometimes. It was a treat, and we were always really excited. I remember once, when I was pretty young, maybe about ten (or perhaps younger) - in fact I have just checked and at the time I had just turned nine years old - my mother let us have the day off school for no apparent reason. This was completely unheard of in our house. In fact, I cannot remember it ever happening again. When we asked her where we were going, my mother told my sister and I that she was taking us to meet a man. I was horrified - at nine years old I thought my mother was having an affair (though I am not sure if I knew what an 'affair' was - in fact, come to think of it, what a typically polite and English word to assign to something so clandestine as infidelity - but I knew that my mother seeing another man without my father's knowledge was not a good thing). I can remember asking her 'Who is it?' and 'Does dad know?' and I think at one point I just came out and asked her whether she was having an affair. She said no, of course not, but she wouldn't tell us who it was we were going to see. I asked her what he looked like, and she said 'He has big hands'. I can remember all sorts of thoughts frantically going through my mind as we walked through the shopping mall. Then we got to the cinema - my mother had let us have the day off school to take us to see The Little Mermaid. The man with big hands we were going to see was Sebastian the crab.

Things I saw

2006-08-13T21:45:00.000+01:00

When I was on the Victoria line yesterday morning, a young family got on. Mummy, daddy, little girl (about eight) and little boy (about five). The father let his wife (I assume) and their son take up the two spare seats, and the little girl sat on her mother's lap. The father then stood in front of them, like a guard. The little boy looked a lot like his father. The little girl was very pretty, and her mother had on a pair of tan Chloe boots.

Long time no blog (again)

2006-08-07T17:44:00.000+01:00

But I will endeavour to blog some more.

Am currently at work and not loving it at all. The good news is that a good friend of mine has just found out this afternoon that she has got the dream job she interviewed for last week which is nice for her. Hopefully will mean I see her a bit more too.

Better news is that I am soon going to be the proud owner of an iMac G5 - how exciting!! Am just waiting for them to get more stock of the 20" wireless version at the Regent Street store. Watch this space - I'll be blogging the whole time soon.

Long time no blog

2006-02-21T12:48:00.000Z

What has happened since I last wrote... well, I have watched a lot of SATC. I have realised that I need to spend more on bags and cocktails. I have also simulataneously, and hence somewhat ironically, realised that if I am ever going to sort my life out I must spend less on bags and cocktails.

Work going ok. Had quite a quiet month in January, and February similar so far. Not complaining especially as I appear not to be getting paid a bonus for the first six months. Crap. That's enough about that.

In my insanity, reached some sort of crisis point mentally with bf. What if it all goes wrong? What am I doing with my life? Does he ever want to marry me? Blargh gargh urgh. Hopefully did not open mouth too much during this phase of lunacy. Hence think all good.

Went to 1st bday party at the weekend. Full of yummy mummies and rich professionals. And me. It is remarkable how people change when they have a baby. Though best friend of BSIL amused me with her comment of 'what is the point in having children if you're going to farm them off to someone else'. Oh how I laughed.

Think might buy some martini glasses today.

Woops. Ignore first paragraph of this blog.

We have the technology

2006-01-25T00:45:00.000Z

We are now broadband enabled. I write this from my bed.

Went to see boyfriend this evening who is still pretty unwell, but an awful lot better than he has been. Took him some little treats. He's the best.

Some thoughts:

Housemate is in the process of writing a book. It is essentially an allegory of our uni days. I want to read it but I'm not sure she'll let me.
I am suffering prolonged period pain (not the usual few-hours-of-pretty-unpleasant-cramps-just-to-let-you-know-I'm-here malarkey).
We have a new ironing board - I can now iron things. Suspect that though the tools are now available, the resolve will not be.
I need more sleep than anyone else I know.

Given the hour, I think I should probably say goodnight, it is pretty clear that I have nothing of interest to say. I will work on this...

42 hours...

2006-01-24T10:45:00.000Z

until we leave for skiing!! Am very excited. Need to get a new pair of sunnies.

Cheerleading uniforms went down a storm at the party, and we got quite drunk. Poor bf though, very ill with a horrid chest infection over the weekend and couldn't make it. He was off work yesterday, hope he is feeling thoroughly better for skiing on Friday.

I have had some very strange conversations with housemate. Talking a lot of 'what if'. One of the 'what if's' was involving marriage. Perhaps not surprising in itself, I don't think it's too outrageous to wonder what it would be like if you were actually to end up marrying your boyfriend. The interesting part was the interplay of boyfriend's family in said fictional marriage. More particularly his sister-in-law. Thus ensued an analysis of the brother/sister-in-law/boyfriend dynamic. To summarise, the current situation is this:

brother of boyfriend (BB) is married to boyfriend's sister-in-law (BSIL - I am v good at original acronyms, am I not?..)
boyfriend worships BB (who is lovely, older, extremely financially succesful, and used to be a total stud)
BSIL has BB, pretty much, under the thumb
this includes control of his interaction with boyfriend and his family, to an extent
I think boyfriend feels pressured (exerted almost entirely upon himself) to do things the way that BB has
boyfriend hence seems willing to put up with more of BSIL's control (via her control of BB) than is ideal

I'm not sure what to think about it all. I don't like the way that BSIL treats boyfriend via BB, things like he is never allowed to come out, never really sees boyfriend, and they only live around the corner. I don't like that boyfriend seems to put himself under pressure to be like BB.

I have just found out that we now have wireless at our house - how exciting!! Means I can get back to work on the old website (in all the spare time that I have... hmmm).

Hopefully boyfriend feeling better tonight, hopefully we can go out for supper tonight or something. Haven't seen him since Sunday night (get a load of my whining).

Until later...

Gargh

2006-01-19T19:21:00.000Z

At work, trying to do something difficult, brain overheating, want to go home.

On the up side, (i) have purchased cheerleading uniform for Saturday's festivities, and (ii) am getting bonus pay from Gordon Brown in lieu of last month's fuck up. Let's just hope this month is not also a fuck up.

Today had a call on something at work and afterwards those of us on the call ended up consulting a certain partner about his views on the matter. The partner was most strange, and we all stood about him like jedi knights around Yoda, waiting for him to impart his wisdom. This particular partner actually scares me so I kept pretty quiet and tried to absorb some of his majesty by osmosis. I think he also scares Roomy too, which amuses me. It is when I meet people like the Jedi Partner that I think I will never ever be a partner in this firm. I am to Jedi what he is to excitement.

Have ordered cab now and hoping to go home pretty soon. Am going to have to come in early though to finish first draft of boring docs (which shall from this point on always be abbreviated to BDs). Can hear Innit on the 'phone next door ranting and laughing in Malay (is that what it is called?), am wondering if she is aware yet of the £5 'phonecall charge thingy.

Come on cab, where are you.

I am starving also but could not face eating here... am now salivating at the thought of cheese. Quelle surprise. Mmmm that truffle cheese from Fortnums is just yummy though. Have only eaten about a quarter of it.. despite my best efforts. In an attempt to while away the minutes until Taxi Driver arrives, here is weird quiz thingy I keep seeing around....

4 jobs you've had in your life
Babysitter
Barmaid
Secretary
Waitress

4 TV shows you love(d) to watch
Button Moon
Minder
Eastenders
Desperate Housewives (tres predictable)

4 places you've lived
Brixton
Clapham
Westminster
Marble Arch

4 places you've been on vacation
India
Singapore
Maldives
Thailand

4 of your favourite foods
CHEESE... mmmmm
Sesame prawn toast
Pasta and meatballs
Wine - hmm, not a food..

4 websites you visit
BBC News
Roll on Friday
Blogger
Goooooooooooooooogle

4 tagged
I have no idea what this means..

I have a terrible feeling that I have missed the point of this exercise...

Oh well, mon taxi c'est arrive.

Dentist

2006-01-18T17:02:00.000Z

...said I had a perfect mouth. I got top marks (apparently teeth now scored when go to the dentist) and apparently is first perfect score he has given in a year. Yay my teeth.

Am trying to be enthusiastic about drafting some documents at work but have read the precedent am supposed to be using and nearly fallen asleep. Oh dear. On a slightly work-related note, KAR sent me an e-mail out of the blue today; I thought I had shut him down after (i) the Christmas party when he was very rude, and (ii) my ignoring of his 'Happy New Year' e-mail earlier this month. I was still really cross with him. And am. Anyway, he only asked me out to lunch! I assumed at first that he meant during the week, ie that he was coming back on secondment and was going to be around in the office. I didn't want to go on my own with him and so asked who else was coming, and if he wanted me to ask some others. He then said, and I quote:

"Well not coming back to office i.e. I meant when I'm checking my house out on a weekend so it would be a sat/sun in Putters/Chelsea I guess; just a thought probably wouldn't suit you in any event."

Why ON EARTH does he think I would want to give up a Saturday (there is little more precious to me) to have lunch with him? Alone?! So I replied:

"oh I see. well will see you at the retreat anyway, should be a laugh!"

I think that might have shut him down, haven't received any more e-mails. I am annoyed that he thinks he can be so rude and that I will forget about it, and that I would want to go out with him alone for a boozy lunch!

God.

Professional bloggers

2006-01-18T11:50:00.000Z

After a brief wander around Blogger, and particularly after looking at some of the links on Little Miss Drinkalot's 'blog, I am amazed by the commitment of some bloggers. Some posting two, three or four times daily. The thing is, those bloggers who post most often and write in detail are by far the most interesting to read but it looks like they take an awful lot of commitment... I shall try harder.

So last night went to supper at the bf's parents which was, as usual, lovely. Though I nearly died when bf produced (despite specific instructions NOT to do this) some of the banana and white chocolate muffins I made for him on Monday night. You see this is the problem - bf's mother is a master chef. My repertoire is generally limited to dishes which either a) have less than 3 ingredients, b) come from foil-fresh containers or c) can be eaten cold and with minimal preparation (cheese and biscuits IS a meal). However I have realised that an inability to cook is a gap in my skill set and in an attempt to redress this have began cooking more advanced dishes. I have been aided by a cookery book I received for Christmas from my parents which contains 200 recipes which can be made with only four ingredients (no, not the same four ingredients). I also received a Jamie Oliver DVD proclaiming to offer a similar route to culinary nirvana though am yet to take it out of the cellophane.

Anyway...

Upon hearing that bf received a stellar annual review at work, I thought I would bake him some muffins (very Bree from Desperate Housewives don't cha think? MNTS - New series starts tonight at 10pm - hurrah). They came out alright and were pretty palatable wen they were warm out of the oven, but I feared that once they were cool they would be somewhat leaden. And they were. Imagine horror when contrarian bf produces said muffins at dinner table proclaiming their deliciousness. Gargh.

This weekend is going to be a good weekend. Shopping on Saturday (woooo hooo) after being paid on Friday, party on Saturday night, and general monging around on Sunday (hopefully) - I am determined this week to see the 'Enders omnibus. Will also have to think of social activity for Friday evening. Perhaps supper with bf to celebrate his work success. Perhaps just getting wasted.

Party party..

2006-01-17T17:34:00.000Z

Going to a party on Saturday, the theme is 'Countries'. L and I are going to go as America - cheerleaders to be more precise. Think it could be massive banter... have been browsing the 'net to find where I can buy a proper cheerleading uniform but I think that we might be too late to order anything in time. So, am going to have to spend some serious time looking around in town for a very short pleated skirt and some sort of tight funky top - which I think we should get printed... some white socks, some white trainers, some pom-poms.. it will be grand.

Am bored of amending boring documents now so am going to attempt to do a runner back to Bangalore in time for supper at boyf's parents.

Until tomorrow...

Weekend

2006-01-16T12:09:00.000Z

What is wrong with me? I can't even begin to describe the sort of mood I've been in this weekend because I hate myself so much. I hope everything is ok.

Woops...

2006-01-12T10:27:00.000Z

After my shameless whinging yesterday about housemate's tidyness last night she apologised for not being very tidy.. argh. How bad did I feel.. serves me right. Also had long chat about departure and planned return of her Antipodean mate and she re-asked the him-moving-in question. Amazingly I said the same as before. Though I think I've come round to it actually, I'm sure it will be fine.

Also had a long chat with mammy on the 'phone last night while I was in the cab on the way home which was really nice. She was telling me about her New Year's resolution of gym attendance. I'm really proud of her, hope it all goes really well. Am going to send a card and maybe see if I can locate some funky gym attire that she might like. Really miss the parents. And my little bro. Feel like he has grown up without me around, since he was only 9 when I went off to uni. And he'll be 16 this year.

God, it's so true - life is what happens while you're making other plans. It makes me sad. I hope he's ok, he's got his exams in the summer, and he's not very academically minded. I'll always look after him.

Do I have 'infertile' written on my forehead??

2006-01-11T13:47:00.000Z

Perhaps somewhat unsurprisingly there has been no activity here since this 'blog was born.

What has happened?

I have partially gotten over the initial trauma of the Tax Realisiation, but I fear that the effects are going to be long-lasting. I have also been talked into (didn't really take that much effort if we're honest) the skiing trip despite Gordon Brown's best efforts to keep me from the slopes. Ok, I accept that it's not actually Gord's fault directly, but if his staff were better able to keep their records up to date then people trying to make and keep well-intentioned New Year's resolutions would not be thwarted in their industry.

Anyway.

It has been a realtively troublesome realisation that my housemate (whom I have known for 5 years but never lived with) is not quite as Monica-esque as she would like to make out. This is difficult for me, who clearly didn't make out quite enough just how Monica-esque I am. The result is that I am perpetually cross with having to tidy up and put dishes away and... oh god listen to me. I am going to stop this now.

Bf is back in Europe through the week but happily for a day less than usual. Housemate's bf is sadly no longer in Angleterre and I believe is currently checking out the adult entertainment industries of Finland. He is such a nice guy, he's actually the perfect house guest (or at least he was for the three weeks he stayed with us). Despite this I do have to say that I am somewhat regretful of my initial offer for him to move in with us initially if he comes back to London proper (Q - why do I always speak then engage brain?). It would be like I was living with a couple. Like a gooseberry. Argh. Or maybe I should just get my coat, as I am sure it would save me rent. And he'll be over the whole time anyway.

I was just thinking today while waiting for the lift about people getting married. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. More particularly, I was thinking about what happens when you get married and you realise that your life is going to follow a certain path, ie your friends are likely to be certain people, your children likely to grow up with theirs. Actually I was more specifically thinking that if bf and I were to get married, we would likely spend a lot of time with Mr and Mrs S, as they are bound to get engaged soon. Would our children be the same ages? Bf has already (rather alarmingly) said that he thinks 3 years after marriage is about the right time to start thinking of having children (goodbye flat tummy and pert boobs). And even more alarmingly, bf's mother has apparently voiced the suggestion that there is "a new fertility test which only takes five minutes which you can do to discover if you might have problems, and so you can start trying earlier".

Erm, right. I think we are a little premature here.

Have do go and do some incredibly important work now so will sign off until later, and further ponder the dilemmas in my life.

I am prone to exaggeration.

Why o why

2006-01-05T12:19:00.000Z

Has this happened? Disastrously, I yesterday discovered I have been underpaying income tax to the tune of £220 a month. This is a horrid beginning to the New Year and so not what I needed after Christmas. Skiing weekend in Italy at the end of January (what a nice thing that would have been to look forward to) now binned. All hope of financial betterment now ruined. And before I'd even had a chance to implement my financial masterplan. Which I think will primarily have to involve relinquishing all control over my own finances to bf.

Fuck it.

Happy New Year

2006-01-05T11:14:00.000Z

What a surprise, a new year, a new diary. Prompted by the catastrophically depressing events of yesterday.

Let's see how long this one lasts then...